December 15, 2005

Hurricane Files: Jim Screechy and Van Doolu

"Rasta Force field" Saves Jamaica and Spares South Florida
Hurricane Ivan Threatens "No Problem" Island
By Jim Screechy and Ban Doolu

Miami, Florida, September 12, 2004--In what Brian Norcross of NBC-TV has described as a "mysterious and miraculous meteorological event", the eye of Hurricane Ivan narrowly missed Kingston, the capital of Jamaica by one degree.

Meteorologists are still baffled by the movement away from Kingston that virtually all computer models had predicted would impact the city. But it is no mystery to Prophet Zephaniah, who with twelve other prophets and a mysterious thirteenth figure, descended from Wareika Hills to conduct a news conference.

"This is the Rastaman force field" said Prophet Ivan, who added, "no relation."

He explained that it was Rasta that had saved Jamaica and Miami.

"I and I been chanting against Ivan all night. I and I brethren climb to the top of the mountaintop and chant, "Blow, Ivan, blow. Blow all you wind and rain/ you will never overcome I, never again/ I and I will turn the eye away from I home/ Send you back to Babylon, back to the Pope in Rome."

And so Kingston was saved. With the turn away from Jamaica, Miami has also been spared because the new track takes Ivan into the Gulf of Mexico.

President Bush, who was in Florida for relief work due to Hurricane Frances, was genuinely baffled by the report and when he could not find Jamaica on the map, gave up in disgust. Vice President Cheney when questioned about all the events told this reporter to "Go f**k himself." He then added he was glad he said it. Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld in a news conference Q&A exclaimed, "If they’re so god- damned small on a map that you can’t see to bomb em, why worry?" Secretary of State, Colin Powell, a proud son of Jamaican descent, could not be reached for comment.

Only Democratic contender, John Kerry, seemed to be moved by the situation. Long faced and teary eyed, he said he would vote for emergency funds for the island, but then changed his mind.

The island is barley recovering from the storm that has pelted the island. Police, who have been going door to door in August Town, comforted a Ms. Darlene Smith.
"Missis Simith, we have good news and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news first," she said.
"The hurricane killed your husband."
"Lawd, Gad," she said.
"Then what is the good news?"
"Him never get shot," said the policeman.

The Prime Minister, PJ Patterson, regretted the incident and vowed that as long as he was in power it would never happen again. Former leader of the JLP, Edward Seaga, briefly commented, "I am not saying anything, anymore. I have my own hurricane in my back yard."

Many Jamaicans, however, seemed genuinely relieved by the miraculous turn of events. But as prophet Zephaniah said, "Once more, I and I save this island, and still I and I never get the praise. When will I and I get the praise I and I deserve?"

When indeed.


Jim Screechy: So, Van, why you say that Wilma was a Jamaican hurricane?
Van Doolu: Because them say we only catch the backside of the hurricane in Miami.
Jim Screechy: And?
Van Doolu: That was one helluva backside!

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