December 15, 2005

Dreads in Outer Space by Jim Screechy and Van Doolu

In a recent article by Olivier Stephenson entitled A Jamaican at NASA, a serious omission was made with regard to two Jamaican astronauts who have been working at the agency for the past ten years. Investigative reporters, Jim Screechy and Van Doolu, acting on anonymous tips that reach into the lowest levels of NASA uncovered a conspiracy to conceal the existence of this highly secretive program.

According to unconfirmed sources within NASA, a husband and wife team has been exploring the space-time continuum with stunning results that could upset current understanding of physics, astronomy, and mathematics. They have also accomplished these amazing feats without the use of rockets, shuttles, or vehicles that could endanger human life.

“Yes, I,” said senior astronaut, Hezekiah O’Boyle (Jamaica/USA). “I-man been exploring the outer edges of the I-niverse and I and I am proud to report that life does exist on other planets.”

“True, dat,” confirmed his co-pilot, Nefertiti Israel. “The dread and I even plant a nice little plant on an outer planet of the Andromeda system.”

When questioned about the nature of the plant and their mode of travel, Queen Nefertiti, as she prefers to be called, remained silent. She would only say that they would be returning to the planet by “first light” to reap the harvest of the dread’s labor.

In a time of budget cutbacks and when NASA is facing a possible shutdown of its shuttle fleet, Ras Hezekiah, as he prefers to be called, insisted that his space travel was completely safe.

“I and I don’t have to worry about no falling foam or debris,” said Ras Hezekiah. “I and I travel through black holes and I and I can tell you that the basic nature of the I-niverse is not what them tell you in a book. String theory is all wrong. Is not a string of energy. It more look like elastic from me mada…” and then he made a reference to a piece of clothing that a polite, family-oriented e-zine like this would not mention. Needless to say, Ras Hezekiah’s statements were taken with the utmost seriousness by the NASA official who was in charge of the experiments and whose funding remains highly secretive. He would only speak to JamaicansRUs if he could go by the name of “Scotty” and we agreed.

“Ras Hezekiah, Queen Nefertiti, my wife and I are all scientists of the highest order.”

“Highest is right,” said Ras Hezekiah, but he would not explain any further.

“We have been experimenting for about ten years now in the back lots of the Space Center because this is where we get the best trajectory, and we only have to worry about the summer thunderstorm before we launch.”

“Outer space!” exclaimed Queen Nefertiti and clapped her hands together.

The unnamed scientists also claimed that all of their experiments were 100 percent verifiable.

“And no falling foam!” said Hezekiah.

“Only exploding seeds,” said Queen Nefertiti in a moment of rare candor. When pressed for an explanation, she would not divulge the true nature of her quixotic statement.

One thing is clear, however, Jamaicans have been on the forefront of travel,—whether it’s across the Atlantic or to the far reaches of outer space.

In fact, as the reporters left the back room on the NASA compound, Ras Hezekiah was heard calling out as he blasted off for another space trip,” Beam me up, Scotty. Light me up!”

First published in

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