Me and My Ex-Zombie Girlfriend

You might think that she was a monster, but she really wasn’t.

I’d met her at Nirvana last Friday and the sex was non-stop. Well, if you don't count getting up at five in the morning to work security at the mall: putting on a dry-cleaned uniform and Ray-Bans, smoking primo weed, and doing nothing except watching other people live their boring lives. And then, buffing up at Bally's, smoking more weed, riding my Italian custom-fitted bicycle home, showering, and afterwards, heading to X-Treme where I work as a bouncer. 

As usual, I'd just come off my six-hour shift at X-Treme and went over to Nirvana. It was about one in the morning. She'd put her credit card on the counter and motioned to the bartender to keep the drinks coming. But after five drinks, I could see she was in trouble. Everything was spilling down the front of her dress. I pretended to help her. This is my routine for picking up women. I wait until they are high on X or some other drug and sneak them out the back door. And then, like Emeril says, "Bam!"

We did the nasty in the alley. When I told her we could go home and do it some more, she came along. Luckily, my mom was out of town. I'd "borrowed" her car. When we got home, we did it with handcuffs. Underneath I guess she was a nice girl who didn't want to hurt my feelings, so that's why she agreed. She was the only girl that I didn’t have slip a roofie to do it with handcuffs. The others that got away called me a pervert.

But she was different. She went along with everything. And even though she smelled bad (I thought it was because she didn't go home to shower), I doused her with mom's Chanel No.5 and went at it! Did I ever go at it!

She was perfect! She didn't eat anything and she had a killer body: 36-24-38. Plus, she never talked back. The only thing she ever said was, "Uh-huh" or something like that. Except for the zombie part, who wouldn't want a girlfriend like that?

But the next day, I had to break up with her. It was predictable. She was getting serious. When I came home, she was waiting in my room. Okay, I locked her in.

I told her I didn't want to do it with handcuffs. I wanted to make love. I even broke my pattern and let her get on top. That's when she came at me. I really think she was trying to open up to me, so I told her she had to leave.

 "Go. Leave now!" I screamed and all she could say was, "Uh-huh." But you have to understand, I felt so used, so misunderstood. I had to take a shower. To think, she only wanted me for my brains.

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