THE RETURN OF JIM SCREECHY AND VAN DOOLU
Miami, Florida, March 14, 2005—Multiple award winning journalists, Jim Screechy and Van Doolu, have reappeared in South Florida after being spotted on a sand bar in Hallandale. The dynamic reporting duo disappeared a few weeks ago while reporting on crop circles in Jamaica and had not been seen since that ominous day. Jim Screechy and Van Doolu, who were rescued by two early morning bathers, were given towels as they had been found naked and without any form of identification.
“Van can’t swim and I wasn’t going to leave him alone,” said Jim. “Is a good thing them two guys find we,” he added. “If the Coast Guard had found us, them might hold we on the wet foot-- dry foot policy like the Cubans, and Van would go straight to Krome, for him foot back tough like a Spanish Town handcuff.”
The normally loquacious Van Doolu remained silent.
Asked to explain how they showed up in Florida when they were last seen in Jamaica, and they clearly had no visible means of proving how they ended up on the sand bar, the two men offered no comment.
However, when pressured for an answer, Van Doolu in a moment of anger exclaimed, “Is alien abduction! Alien abduct and probe we!”
“Shhhhh,” said Jim.
“No,” said Van. “No, I cyaan keep quiet while this is going on. Is nastiness! Alien abduction and probing going on in Jamaica! The world! Them probe me!”
“Stop talk now,” said Jim.
“No," said Van Doolu. “Not after what them do to me! Them go where no man has ever gone before!”
“Hush up" said Jim Screechy, sounding more like Judge Dread with each passing moment.
“And is not me one! Whole heap of people when they think they sleeping at night being abducted and probed by alien. When them think them having dream about flying or standing naked in front of a crowd of people, is alien probing them!”
The normally stoic Jim Screechy then burst into tears and would only say he was remembering a scene from Brokeback Mountain, and couldn’t hold it in any longer.
The two reporters requested and have been granted two months sick leave and upon completion will resume their duties at our headquarters.
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